


does it still count after the third time?

by kyeoesc



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking to Cope, Hook-Up, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Post-Break Up, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26523769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyeoesc/pseuds/kyeoesc
Summary: Yeosang and Jongho didn't need much words for their relationship to work, until it didn't.
Relationships: Choi Jongho & Kang Yeosang
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	does it still count after the third time?

**Author's Note:**

> Spotify playlist to listen to while reading: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6msDKINpcMVit24SGtavio?si=C0EpCoU5QESNlUbZ-r7qpA 
> 
> Preferably don't put it on shuffle! And yes I love my JongSang, they're so fun to write about. Enjoy!

It was easy between Yeosang and Jongho. Words weren’t needed in the progression of their relationship; it just naturally happened, as they evolved and one step would lead to the other. It was easier that way too; Yeosang just wanted to bring someone along to a cafe he really wanted to go too. Jongho just wanted someone to watch a movie with him. Yeosang just needed to stay the night. Jongho just had one drink too many. Yeosang just needed to move out of his apartment. The rent was cheaper in a studio apartment. Jongho just wanted to play the game Yeosang had already bought. Soon what was his was Yeosang’s and what was Yeosang’s was his. It was easier that way. Nights weren’t lonely, and days went by knowing they had someone to go back to. Easy.

Except, it wasn’t easy. When they agreed to postpone deciding on whether they were exclusive or not. When Jongho had to sleep outside their apartment door because he forgot his keys and Yeosang wasn’t answering his phone. When Yeosang had clearly told Jongho to watch the chicken in the oven but he wasn’t really actually listening. They wanted it to be easy, but without words, it wasn’t. And by using words they would make it too complicated. So with a simple “I found a place to rent” and a quiet nod from Jongho, everything that had been going on the past year ended. 

A small smile etched on Yeosang’s face when he was unpacking his things as he found Jongho’s comic book wrapped in Yeosang’s sweater. Yeosang had kept it under their bed for later but forgot that there was something inside when he pulled it out from hiding. It was a Captain Underpants comic that Jongho insisted Yeosang read, and although Yeosang thought it was really immature, he took it anyway, wanting to be interested in whatever Jongho was interested in. The smile quickly turned, making Yeosang unsure of his decision to move out. He took a picture of the comic cover and sent it to Jongho; they were still friends after all, right? 

YS: _look at what i got_

JH: _haha cool_

JH: _u can keep it_

YS: _u sure?_

JH: _yea, ive memorized the whole thing_

YS: _lol i bet_

Yeosang sighed softly as he shuffled the comic in between his textbooks on the bookshelf next to his desk. He decided on renting a room in an apartment complex with other kids that went to his school. He found an ad in his department building and just went for it. The other three renters were good friends, but they didn’t bother Yeosang much. One of them was around when Yeosang was moving boxes in a couple of days ago and had helped, but didn’t intrude on Yeosang’s business. Yeosang was glad for that; he wasn’t unfriendly, he was just a bit awkward, and didn’t want to start on the wrong note with them. 

By the time Yeosang was done with arranging his study area, a stack of clothes had formed in a corner of his room. He sighed, exhausted. He decided to walk around the apartment, take a breather. The apartment was partially furnished, giving them a double twin bed and mattress, a bedside table, a dresser, a desk and a chair, other than the built in wardrobe. Yeosang walked past the bathroom that he shared with roommate 1, the one who had put out the ad, Seonghwa. He was a bit of a neatfreak, and Yeosang was both scared and amazed when he walked into a perfectly clean bathroom, smelling of lemon and chlorine. Opposite the bathroom door was the door that led to Seonghwa’s room, closed at this time of the day; he had gone out. Exiting their aisle you would enter the living room, opening up to the kitchen and another aisle closer to the front door. It led to the rooms for roommates 2 and 3; Wooyoung, who had helped him carry in boxes, and another boy that Yeosang had never met. They were home, or from what Yeosang could tell. He could hear them talking through the walls, loud but with quiet pauses in between, as if they were just doing their own thing but also communicating at the same time. The living room only had a futon as a sofa, an LED TV sitting on the floor, a square fold up table and four chairs, all of different styles tucked around it. Yeosang walked to the kitchen and took a mug from one of the drawers and filled it with tap water. There was only one window that looked out of the living room, and a door that led to the porch of their second floor apartment. The blinds were shut but late August sunlight still bled in. Yeosang took his second sip of water when the third roommate walked out from his aisle, eyes wide when he saw Yeosang in the kitchen. 

“Hey, you must be the new renter.”

“Yea,” Yeosang replied, almost choking on his water as he swallowed it to answer, eyebrows raised in surprise. The boy had a muscular but lean build, a sharp nose accompanied by lips that naturally formed a smile.

“Nice to meet you, I’m San,” the boy told, holding out a hand for Yeosang to shake.

“Yeosang, nice to meet you too.”

San walked behind Yeosang and opened one of the drawers to pull out an energy bar. “Do you have a section in the kitchen for your food yet?” 

“Uhm, not yet, but I don’t really have any food to store yet anyway, so.”

San quickly briefed Yeosang where his and Wooyoung’s stuff are, and where the things they can share were, then introduced Seonghwa’s strictly-don’t-touch cabinets. Wooyoung walked out to the living room at the time, squinting his eyes at Yeosang as his lips pressed together in thought. Then his eyes widened, snapping his fingers as if remembering something. 

“Yeosang? Did I remember right?”

“Yea,” Yeosang smiled, his apple cheeks round on his face. 

“Whoa, you’re really pretty, did you know that?” San gushed. 

“Uh,” Yeosang hesitated, looking down shyly. “Thanks.”

“Hey are you dating anyone?” Wooyoung asked. San slapped a hand on his arm. Yeosang thought about Jongho, but they had never declared anything. It was supposed to be easy, and yet, Yeosang hesitated.

“No, I’m not, currently,” Yeosang replied, trying to sound neutral.

“Cool, Seonghwa’s single too,” Wooyoung stated blatantly. San landed another slap on Wooyoung’s arm. “We’re heading out for dinner later tonight, do you wanna come with?”

Yeosang hesitated again; seeing how close the three already were, he worried that he would feel like an outsider among them. But he needed to find new friends, he told himself. This was a good chance to get to know his new roommates better too, so Yeosang agreed. Seonghwa picked them up in a couple of hours, and drove to a nearby IHOP. In the car Wooyoung mentioned how Yeosang’s single; well, not dating anyone, technically.

“Oh yea?” Seonghwa answered, his tone a blur between curiosity and disinterest that made Yeosang nervous. 

“I-I’m not really looking for anyone anyway,” Yeosang replied, stuck in the front seat next to Seonghwa, thanks to Wooyoung who had pushed him towards the door. 

“Buuut if someone just falls onto your lap unknowingly, then why not, right?” Wooyoung asked chirpily. San frowned at the boy.

“I-I guess so,” Yeosang said.

“Don’t force it on him, Woo,” San scolded.

“Alright, alright, just saying,” Wooyoung sighed, falling back on his seat. In the diner the four ordered pancake stacks and french toast, sharing bites as they ask Yeosang questions and butting in with their own inside jokes. Yeosang soon felt comfortable around them, still quiet but not as reserved as before. Wooyoung and San were obviously the jokers of the group, while Seonghwa was the more stable one; the one who tried to goof the other two but ended up being the one getting goofed. It made Yeosang laugh and try to joke along with them, feeling relieved when they still get him onboard even when his jokes fall flat. 

“So San and I are heading to Rick’s,” Wooyoung told the other two, looking at the time on his phone screen. “If you don’t wanna join us we can take the bus.”

“That’s not how- nevermind,” San stopped himself from scolding Wooyoung again for his lack of social decency. “Sorry Yeosang. What Wooyoung meant was, would you like to join us on a trip to Rick’s bar?”

Yeosang glanced at Seonghwa, who sat across from him, taking a sip of his coke quietly as he waited for Yeosang’s answer. They were clearly trying to set Yeosang up to be alone with Seonghwa, but Yeosang didn’t mind it as much; Seonghwa seemed like a nice guy, and he didn't feel like drinking anyway. He smiled up at the other two.

“No, I think I’ll pass,” he said.

“Okay,” San smiled back. Wooyoung rushed San, telling him that they’re going to miss the bus. “Have fun you two.”

They watched the two friends jog out of the diner after paying for their meals, which turned into running when they saw the bus almost speeding before reaching their stop, waving their arms. The two chuckled watching them half panting, half laughing after getting on the bus, just before it drove away.

“They’re ridiculous,” Seonghwa chuckled. 

“They’re fun,” Yeosang giggled. 

“Glad you like them,” Seonghwa told, smiling as he watched Yeosang continue biting into leftover pancake. Yeosang looked up, realizing the eyes on him. He suddenly felt nervous, realizing that they were here under the circumstances that their friends thought they would be a good match. Yeosang cleared his throat, straightening his back.

“Uhm, I think I need to clarify something,” Yeosang played with the straw in his lemonade. “I really am not looking to date anyone right now.”

“Oh, yea, no, of course,” Seonghwa replied, waving two hands over the table, motioning a ‘no’. “I mean, you’re attractive and all, but I’m not really looking either. Wooyoung’s just being his dumb self again.”

“Okay,” Yeosang relaxed. “That’s a relief. I didn’t want there to be a misunderstanding between us.”

Seonghwa smiled softly, then looked down at the table before them. “Wooyoung’s been like that since I broke up with my previous boyfriend. I know he means well, but I think I need to move on at my own pace, you know what I mean?”

Jongho’s face ran through Yeosang’s mind. If they weren’t actually together, what’s there to move on from? Yeosang sighed. “Yea, I know what you mean.”

Yeosang felt his phone buzz in his pocket, pulling it out to see the caller ID ‘JJong’ on his screen. His eyes widened, looking up at Seonghwa. “Sorry, I gotta take this.”

“Go ahead,” Seonghwa replied just before Yeosang stood and walked out of the diner.

“Jongho?”

“Yeosangieeee,” the voice slurred through the speaker. “Where are youuuu? I’ve been waiting for like, 2 hours and thirty two minutes.”

“Jongho, are you okay?”

“Hmmmm,” the boy hummed. “Depends. Are you coming?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jongho,” Yeosang replied. A part of him didn’t really want to see Jongho right now. If he did, he would probably fall back into the boy’s arms, regret moving out, regret not talking it out, regret all the choices that he had made to end their blurry relationship. But Jongho was still his friend, and he didn’t want Jongho to get hurt, and from the sound of it, he might get into trouble very soon. “Where are you?”

“Hmmmm,” Jongho hummed again. “I can’t remember what it's called, some bar on Grand River.”

“Rick’s?”

“Yea, yea, Rick’s. Hey remember that time we made out in the restr-”

“Okay, I’ll come pick you up. You hold on, okay Jjong? Jongho?”

“Hm okay yea,” Jongho replied through pouting lips. Yeosang shook his head in disapproval before hanging up. 

“Shit,” Yeosang whispered to himself, realizing it’s the same bar Wooyoung and San would be at right now. He walked back into the diner, braving himself to tell Seonghwa that he had to leave.

“Are you taking the bus?” Seonghwa asked.

“Yea, I just have to pick up a drunk friend at Rick’s,” Yeosang told. 

“Oh okay,” Seonghwa replied, pausing. “Hey here, take the car. I’ll take the bus home. You can drive, right?”

“Yea,” Yeosang’s eyes shifted to the keys in Seonghwa’s palm. “Are you sure though? We barely know each other.”

“If anything happens, I’ll know where to find you. Your room is right next to mine,” Seonghwa grinned. Yeosang chuckled, taking the keys.

“I really appreciate this.”

“No worries.”

It was hell finding parking on a Thursday night, but Yeosang finally found a space a block away from the bar. It would’ve been easier getting there by bus, but Yeosang didn’t know if he could deal with taking the bus while carrying a boy heavier than him. Yeosang also knew that they had to change buses downtown to get to Jongho’s place, so the car was the better option. Upon walking into Rick's, Yeosang prayed he wouldn't bump into Wooyoung and San. He walked through the sour smell of alcohol mixed with strong perfume scents towards the end of the bar, Jongho’s favorite spot, to find that he wasn’t there. He then looked in the bathroom, calling out “Jongho?” as he entered. 

“Mhmm,” a familiar voice replied from the last stall. Yeosang walked to the end to where the closed stall door was and knocked on it. 

“Jongho it’s me, Yeosang. Open up.”

It took him a few moments before the door opened quietly. Jongho was wearing his usual denim jacket and doc martens pair, reminded Yeosang of all their nights out together where he would insist Jongho try something new, and he would exchange the jacket for a leather one instead, and the doc martens for some timbs. Jongho looked up at Yeosang, sitting on the closed toilet bowl, blinking slowly. Jongho never appears drunk; you can only hear it when he talks. Yeosang smiled softly at the younger.

“You wanna go home?”

“Yea,” Jongho whispered.

“Okay,” Yeosang replied, bending down to pick the younger up by the arm. Jongho helped himself up, but his legs wavered, footing all over the place. Yeosang slowly guided him out of the bathroom and through the crowd in the bar. Yeosang’s eyes widened when he caught sight of two familiar faces making out in a corner near the entrance. He looked away, making a quick mental note that those two were actually hot for each other. He dragged Jongho along to the car, grateful that Jongho was sober enough to try to carry his own weight. He helped Jongho get into the passenger’s seat, and watched as the boy made himself comfortable, leaning back and tucking his knees together, putting on a seatbelt. Yeosang sighed and made his way to the driver’s seat.

On the road, Yeosang kept quiet, realizing that Jongho had fallen asleep, breathing heavily. He smelled of alcohol mixed with the familiar Jo Malone that he had worn since a few months ago. Jongho liked trying new perfumes, and Yeosang came to learn how to recognize them too. He watched the road in front of him; badly lit by street lights with little help from the car’s headlights. Without realizing, they had arrived at Jongho’s apartment; their old apartment, parked right at the front of the block. Yeosang sighed at the nostalgia. He nudged Jongho, not wanting to stay any longer. The younger didn’t wake, tilting his head slightly. Yeosang pressed his lips tight. He still had feelings for Jongho, and it was so obvious by the way his heart was beating at a faster pace and the way the hairs behind his neck stood just watching him. He caressed the boy’s cheek with his thumb, waking him with a soft gaze. Jongho gazed back, unsure if he was still asleep or if he had woken. Yeosang helped the boy back into his apartment, and to his dismay, found himself staying overnight. _Just one last time,_ Yeosang thought to himself, as he let Jongho lift his shirt over his head.

It was two in the morning when Yeosang woke to the sound of his phone vibrating on the bedside table. He was on his usual side of the familiar bed, stark naked. He took a deep breath of the pillow beneath his head before reaching out to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Yeosang, are you okay?”

“Seonghwa?” Yeosang replied sleepily. “Yea, I’m fine. I- I’m at a friend’s. Sorry I kinda ran off with the car.”

Yeosang listened to Seonghwa sigh with relief through the speaker. “It’s fine. As long as you’re safe. You’re coming back tomorrow right? No rush, I just had plans.”

“Yea, I’ll be back in the morning.”

“Okay. Drive safe. If you’re not in the condition to drive just let me know, I can go pick it up.”

Yeosang sighed his okays, feeling like he was being nagged by his mother. He put down the phone and wriggled back into the covers, turning to see if Jongho was still asleep. He felt his heart jump when he saw that Jongho’s eyelids were separated, just slightly, sleep at the corner of his eyes. 

“Who was it?” he asked drowsily. 

“My roommate,” Yeosang whispered. It felt weird telling Jongho this. After all, all this while Jongho had been the roommate. “Sorry I woke you.”

“It’s okay,” Jongho mumbled, wrapping an arm around Yeosang’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. Yeosang fumbled with a strand of Jongho’s hair, watching as Jongho closed his eyes, trying to go back to sleep. In Yeosang’s head, there’s so many things he wanted to say, but he didn’t know where to start. Was it enough to say that he had feelings for Jongho? Can he use the word love? The moving thing didn’t matter; it was a good apartment, and maybe it was the distance that they needed. Maybe they can just go back to the way they were. Yeosang wanted to have hope that things could go back to normal.

Yeosang’s eyes felt heavy, so he let himself fall asleep in Jongho’s warmth. An alarm woke the both of them, Jongho jumping out of bed and getting into the shower as quickly as he could. Yeosang rolled to his side, remembering that Jongho had a part time job making subs downtown. He rubbed his eyes and observed the clock on his phone screen. 7:15am. Way too early for Yeosang. He let himself fall back to sleep, until he heard Jongho walk out of the shower and realized that he had to return Seonghwa’s car. He let out a faint whine as he lifted himself out of bed, picking up his clothes from the ground. 

“You’re leaving?” Jongho asked. Yeosang suddenly felt nervous. What was the situation that they were in right now? Were they together again? Or did Jongho intend it to be a one night stand, just as closure? Jongho never liked labels; he said he wanted them to be their own thing, something no other two people had. But that was the past. Yeosang’s mouth hung as he turned towards the younger, trying to find the right words, wondering if this was the best time to bring up everything he wanted to say last night.

“Uh,” Yeosang looked away, putting on his jeans and feeling for the car keys in his pockets. “I need to return the car. I borrowed it. From my roommate.”

“Right,” Jongho replied. “Thanks by the way, for picking me up. I don’t know what I was doing, going there alone.”

“It’s no biggie,” Yeosang said. He was standing in front of Jongho now, who was still in his towel. He gave Jongho a soft smile, and Jongho smiled back. 

“Can I kiss you?” Jongho asked. Yeosang felt himself flush. 

“Um,” Yeosang mumbled, realizing that his face probably expressed hesitance. Jongho’s smile faltered.

“No it’s okay, I get it. Sorry. I shouldn’t have called you last night.”

“I mean,” Yeosang started, looking at the space between their feet. “I liked last night. I’m okay with it.”

“Yea?”

“Yea,” Yeosang’s eyes fluttered up to see the younger’s face had brighten. “You can kiss me.”

So Jongho leaned in to softly press against Yeosang’s lips with his own, just like before, their cheeks warm at the touch.

But everything else wasn’t like before. Yeosang waited for a text from Jongho around the time he would be having a lunch break, and he waited for a text while shopping for groceries, and he waited for a text as he had pizza with his roommates that night, the three wreaking havoc as they chose a movie to watch. The normal thing was for them to text each other constantly throughout the day, if not a long life update about how annoying the kid in their class was, then a simple ‘I’m home’ would’ve been okay too. It became clear to Yeosang that when he said ‘he was okay with it’ to Jongho that Jongho had thought that he was okay that they had a one night stand. Yeosang rolled his eyes, annoyed at himself. 

The roommates finally settled with a movie that Seonghwa had chosen, demanding the others to keep quiet and just watch the damn movie. As the intro rolls in, San realized that Yeosang hadn’t been as chirpy as he was yesterday.

“You okay?” San asked quietly, his head turned to Yeosang’s face. They were all sitting in a row on the floor, leaning on the futon and under warm sheets. The pizza boxes sat on their sides and they passed slices to whoever requested it. 

“Yea,” Yeosang replied with a soft smile. “I’m fine.”

“You clearly aren’t. If you wanna talk we can.”

“No,” Yeosang shook off. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

“Okay then,” San drawled, turning back to the TV. Yeosang kept tapping his phone screen to check his notifications, but nothing. They were five weeks into the semester when Jongho had called Yeosang again, the alcohol in his voice.

“Sangieeee come pick me upppp.”

“Jongho, you need to stop this,” Yeosang scolded. He was at home, revising his notes from his lectures that day, soft music playing from the speakers of his laptop. “Where are you now?”

“I don’t knowww, I got kicked out of the bar and I started walking and now I don’t really know...”

“Which bar?”

“The one downtown. Hey remember that party that we went to and ended up ditching-”

“Jongho, do you want me to come to you?”

“Yes please.”

Jongho didn’t know how he got here. One second he was scrolling through his camera roll, watching Yeosang’s doll-like eyes and apple cheeks sadly on his now too empty bed, and the next he found himself fighting someone who had spilled his scotch all over the bar counter, swinging his arm around, too pathetically drunk to even land a proper hit on the other, but still making a loud racket either way. And now he’s here, only realizing now that he was watching the state Capitol from a quiet street, most shops either closed or closing at this time of the night. He thought about how he couldn’t bring himself to text Yeosang after that night, knowing that Yeosang now had his own life, other friends that Jongho didn’t know about. Only when he’s buzzed enough can he dial that familiar number. It felt like the chilly fall wind had frozen Jongho into place when Yeosang drove by from the other side of the street, making a U-turn when he caught sight of Jongho, warming his skin back to life. Jongho blinked when Yeosang just stared quietly when he stopped the car right in front of him. He went towards to the passenger’s seat, clearing his throat as Yeosang drove away.

“You don’t look drunk.”

“You know I always look oh so stoic.”

“You got into a bar fight?”

“How did you know?”

“You said you were kicked out. What other reason could you have been kicked out for? Unless you've suddenly taken interest in groping people.”

“No, yea, bar fight.”

“Are you okay?” Yeosang asked in a concerned sigh.

“I’m fine,” Jongho’s voice failed him, cracking as he tried to chuckle it out. Yeosang didn’t acknowledge it. “This your car? You have a car now? Good for you.”

“I borrowed it. It’s the same car as last time, Jongho.”

“Oh, sorry. I don’t really remember that night too well.”

The silence between them was piercing.

“Can you stay over tonight too? I remember that part.”

Yeosang kept quiet, holding his breath. Jongho wondered what was going through his mind; he knew that there was a lot, but didn’t prod on it. Jongho realized that he was being braver than usual due to the alcohol in his veins, but he couldn’t help himself. Yet, he still couldn’t tell Yeosang the real reason he wanted to sleep with him; because he had missed him so, and wanted a reason to make him stay. That was all he had; sex, the only thing he could offer the older. All he needed was consent.

They drive into the apartment parking, quietly lingering on the sexual tension between them. The two looked at each other longingly, knowing how stupid this was, the push and pull; but their egos were the sizes of the sun, and it got the better of them. That night, with no more words that would make things way too complicated, Yeosang let himself fall into Jongho’s spell again.

It was five in the morning when Jongho woke at the thud on the floor. He rolled on his side to see that the bed was empty next to him. Jongho crawled over and saw Yeosang crouching on the floor, half naked and feeling his way through the dark. He looked up, realizing that Jongho was watching him.

"Hey. What are you doing?"

"Uh," Yeosang started, grabbing his shirt then putting it on. "Sorry Jongho, I really need to get back soon."

"You were leaving?"

Yeosang felt his chest ache at the hurt that resonated in Jongho's voice. "I just- I have a paper next week, it's pretty important."

"Oh," was all Jongho could say. He went back to his place under his covers, watching quietly as Yeosang walked around the room and gathered his things. "Yeosang?"

"Hm?" the older replied, rummaging his sweater pockets for the car keys. Jongho hesitated. Why would he tell Yeosang that he missed him? Yeosang was doing better than Jongho, embarrassingly. He didn't want to drag Yeosang down with him. That would be the worst thing Jongho could do to him.

"Nothing."

Yeosang looked up at Jongho, watching his saddened expression quietly. He leaned over and crawled to hover over Jongho. He leaned in and gave Jongho a sloppy kiss before pecking his nose with a smile. 

"Thanks for having me. I’ll see you around."

Jongho let Yeosang walk out, even when all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around his waist and never let go. When the door clicked shut, Jongho felt his eyebrows twist into a furrow, his lids wavering before closing shut, stopping the tears from escaping. The air felt too cold on his skin, even under his thick covers. Everything felt cold without him around. How can Jongho move on when he’s still lying on the bed that they had shared and slept together in for so many times? Everything reminded him of Yeosang, from the way he would pick up Jongho’s socks and put it in the laundry basket wordlessly to the way he would wake up just to pat an insomniac Jongho to sleep. Yeosang’s shadow lived in this apartment, but his warmth was absent.

In the car, Yeosang let the tears stream down his cheeks. If things were so easy, so simple between them, why did it hurt? Why did it hurt to leave if he didn’t care, and he thought he didn’t when he let Jongho kiss him one more time, because it was just another drunken hookup, and Jongho was being stupid again, and somehow it all still hurt. It hurt so bad that Yeosang’s throat felt so hollow he wouldn’t be able to let out a sound without it being a whimper before a sob. He knew what it would turn into; a wasteful water work without an audience but his shameful self, so he gritted his teeth and drove through the night.

It wasn’t a week until they saw each other again at a party they were both invited to. They had caught each other’s eyes, and while Jongho attempted to offer a smile, Yeosang had turned his attention back to his peers, trying to focus on the conversation instead of the boy that he still loved standing across the room. 

Jongho was taking a drag of a cigarette out the balcony of the frat house when Yeosang approached him, a red plastic cup in hand. 

“Hey,” Jongho greeted, trying to not sound too enthusiastic.

“Hey yourself,” Yeosang smiled. His hair was tousled back, clearly been messed with when he was dancing among the crowd. Jongho didn’t like dancing, but with Yeosang he just followed whatever he did, and he would be having the time of his life, watching the prettiest boy he knew throwing his head back, laughing at his awkward hips swaying along. But that was all in the past. Now Jongho just watched the crowd from a far, enjoying the music alongside the buzz of the alcohol. It’s been a while since Jongho saw Yeosang drunk, and the red on his cheeks was too beautiful; Jongho couldn’t take his eyes off of him.

“You’re really drunk,” Jongho commented.

“Ahaha, yea, maybe,” Yeosang drawled, fumbling with his earlobe. "Hey I just wanted to ask, how did you get here?"

"Uhm, I Ubered."

"Ooooh," Yeosang replied, maybe a bit too loudly. He realized this, quieting himself quickly. "Okay then. Yea that sounds like a good idea. I'll Uber back home. Thanks, Jjong."

"Hey Yeosang," Jongho called before the older could leave. He turned around, lips pouting slightly. 

"Yea?"

"Does the third time still count as a hookup?"

"I don't think hookups have a numerical limit," Yeosang replied lazily before realizing Jongho was talking about them. Their hookup count. He paused for a second before continuing. "Why do you wanna know?"

"Is anyone at your place?"

Yeosang peeped through his apartment door, and saw that San was watching TV on the futon. San quickly saw Yeosang and raised an arm. "Yo, welcome back."

"Hey, San," Yeosang said from the door, grinning awkwardly.

"What are you doing there? Get in. Hey you're red as a tomato. Had fun at the party?" 

Yeosang slipped through the door and closed it behind him, leaving Jongho on the other side. "Yea it was fun, but I'm really tired. Where's Woo?"

"He's asleep. We left early because he started joining a puff and pass circle and got too high. We're just lucky he didn't vomit anywhere expensive."

Yeosang managed a chuckle before walking into his aisle. "Goodnight San. Don't stay up too late." _Literally._

"Night Sangie. Too bad you didn't get someone to bring home." San winked at the irritated boy, who only grinned back insincerely. It took forever for San to finally switch off the TV, and Yeosang waited a few more moments to let San work around the apartment before closing his room door shut. Yeosang slowly opened his door, creeping through and stepping carefully to not sound any of his motions. With a loud click, the front door opened, and Yeosang peeped out to see Jongho sitting on the floor of the hallway, scrolling through his phone. He looked up, eyebrows raised at Yeosang.

"I am so sorry," Yeosang whispered.

"It's okay," Jongho sighed, standing up. "I'm just the embarrassing excuse of a hookup afterall."

"That's not-"

"I'm just kidding," Jongho smiled. Yeosang doesn't know which one was the lie. He let Jongho in, only to see that San had walked out of his room to grab a glass of water, his eyes widened when he saw the company. Yeosang felt his heart jump out of his chest.

"Well hello."

"Hi," Jongho replied awkwardly. Yeosang closed the front door and hugged his torso nervously, unsure if he should say anything, then as if by reflex grabbed Jongho's wrist, pulling him into his room.

"He's a stud!" San called behind them, chuckling to himself. Yeosang scrunched his eyes, shaking his head in embarrassment. Once Jongho was safe in his room, Yeosang closed and locked the door behind him. 

"Wait. Your shoes!" Yeosang shuffled his feet, wondering if he should go back out to get it, then turned back around, thinking it was not worth the risk of bumping into anyone else again.

"I mean, one of them already knows I'm here," Jongho said with a grin. "Why are you nervous? Relax. It's fine."

It was the smile. That smile that reached Jongho's soft cheeks, carving smooth dimples into them, his pink gums contrasting his set of upper teeth. The smile that ruined Yeosang and broke his heart as much as it had healed it. It made Yeosang ache, how much he loved Jongho's smile, but couldn't say it out loud. Instead he leaned in to kiss his lips, their teeth clashing clumsily.

"Right about this time you would have told me I have the cutest smile," Jongho said knowingly, grinning into Yeosang’s lips.

"You were a lot quieter when you were the drunk one," Yeosang mumbled, hanging his arm around Jongho’s neck.

“This is fun. You know, sneaking around, keeping secrets.” Yeosang let Jongho mumble through their kisses, too drunk on Jongho’s soft nibbles on his lips to care. “The part where I was sitting outside wondering if I would end up Ubering back home without coming in? Not too fun. Still, I suggest we come by your place more often. More sneaky sneaky play time.”

“You’re a real chatterbox tonight,” Yeosang sighed, sitting them both on his bed. He kissed the boy to silence, but the silence soon turned to soft moans and heavy breathing as their tongues tasted each other’s salts, slowly removing their jackets and pants and leaving them on the floor, their skins heated at every touch. Yeosang leaned back, letting Jongho take control of their pace; his heavy head needed some resting anyway. After a few more deep kisses Jongho stopped, gazing at Yeosang quietly.

"What's wrong?"

"You're beautiful."

Yeosang couldn’t find the right words to say back. They didn't do all the small talk the last two times; just quick and sweaty and moany, no coherent words. Yeosang didn't know if Jongho had intended this to be a more passionate session, reminiscent of older times, or if it just came to be, and he wasn’t sure of how to feel about that. 

"Are you okay?" Jongho asked. "Are you sober enough? I don't want to take advantage of you."

Yeosang responded with a pull of Jongho’s head, letting him rest on his shoulder. Jongho felt Yeosang's slow breaths under him and wrapped the side of Yeosang's head with one of his arms, his fingers running through the other’s hair. Yeosang let his cheeks rest on Jongho's upper arm, closing his eyes at the warmth. 

"You know I'm heavy enough to crack your ribs, right?" Jongho retorted, his abs wavering from trying to keep himself light on top of Yeosang.

"Mhmm," Yeosang hummed.

"I'm not gonna have sex with you if you're too drunk."

"Then why did you come here in the first place?"

Jongho kept quiet. Deep inside he knew that Yeosang had already sobered up, even if just slightly. But he didn't really feel like going through the dirt and grit right now; he just wanted to enjoy the time that he had with Yeosang. Was he supposed to tell him the truth; that he had missed Yeosang and it was all just an excuse? He couldn't.

"Okay,” Yeosang said softly after sensing the younger’s discomfort. “It's okay then. Let's just sleep. I'm too tired anyway."

Jongho rolled himself onto the empty spot on the bed next to Yeosang, and Yeosang pulled himself under his covers. Jongho followed suit, taking off his sweatshirt and throwing it on the floor as he watched Yeosang switch off the lights of the bedside lamp and closing his eyes, shuffling himself into comfort. Jongho kept quiet and looked away. Even with his eyes shut tight, he couldn't sleep, not with the beautiful boy next to him. As he was letting his mind run through thoughts of classes and work shifts, a hand started patting Jongho on the thigh in a slow but consistent tempo. Jongho didn't open his eyes, knowing well that Yeosang could hear him think and was now trying to help Jongho sleep. The days and nights that they had spent together had amounted to this; the two of them, broken, but finding themselves next to each other again, speaking in silence. Some things just didn't need words, and that was the miracle of what they had. Jongho felt like his heart was whole again just as he dozed off, the patting on his thigh slowing down as well. They woke up at four in the morning, Jongho whispering to Yeosang that he was hard and needed to handle it. Yeosang considered telling Jongho to help himself in the restroom; if 7am was too early for him, 4am wasn't even an option. But Jongho had planted a needy kiss on his neck and Yeosang couldn't help himself, knots forming at the tip of his belly. They fell back to sleep once they were done, too tired to bother about the mess between them, and woke again to alarms ringing throughout the apartment. 

Half of Jongho's torso was on Yeosang's when he separated his eyelids, cold skin mixed with warmth from his neck and the palm near his face. Everything was too familiar for a hookup. Too warm. This was just like before the time Yeosang moved out. It felt like nothing had happened, and that it was just another morning for them, but in a different bedroom, different air, different surroundings. But how could it be when Jongho kept using the word ‘hookup’ for the nights that they spent together? Yeosang pushed Jongho's shoulder slightly, and the younger understood, sitting upright to let the other crawl out from under him. Yeosang stood to grab some tissues from his desk, cleaning himself up, then offered Jongho some. Jongho felt uneasy, realizing Yeosang wasn't as smiley as he usually would be; even if he was tired, he would offer a soft smile just to comfort Jongho. But it didn't come. The older avoided eye contact and crawled back to bed in his boxers, his pale back turned towards Jongho and his face buried in his pillow.

"You okay?" Jongho asked carefully. Yeosang waved his hand lazily in reply. Jongho didn't know what to make of it. He reached down and kissed Yeosang's shoulder, literally cold at the touch. It made Yeosang shiver. "Sorry I woke you so early. You must be tired."

Yeosang was quiet again. Jongho crawled back to his place on the bed, wrapping his naked body with the covers. He turned to face Yeosang, but Yeosang hadn't lifted his face from the pillow. 

"You're gonna have to breathe at one point."

Yeosang looked up at Jongho, his eyebrows furrowed on his forehead, his mouth twisted down unhappily. He bit his lips to stop himself from speaking, but it made him feel goddamn awful. Yeosang lightly closed his eyes and pressed his crown further into the pillow, leaning slightly so his blurry sight of Jongho was angled. When will he learn to finally say what he's thinking about?

"What's going on, Yeosang? What's wrong?" Jongho asked in a concerned whisper. His eyes were round, the eyes that made Yeosang want to take care of him, like a child, pure of innocence.

"What's wrong?" Yeosang repeated, rubbing his nose into the pillow. "Nothing. Everything's fine and dandy."

"Please don't be sarcastic," Jongho sighed.

"I just- you don't see what's wrong with this? With us? Like, what the fuck is going on?"

"We just had sex, that's all," Jongho stated. "Isn't that what you wanted? Just, quick, dirty, destressing sex?"

"No, no no," Yeosang whined, turning his entire face into the pillow again. Jongho couldn't help but look endearingly; how much cuter can Yeosang get? "Jongho, that's what _you_ wanted."

"Huh?”

“You’ve been using me, right?” Yeosang felt the words tumble out of his lips uncontrollably. “Every time you get too drunk to help yourself you call me, and you use me, for your quick, dirty sex. And then we go back to our normal lives, just moving forward. I- I don’t know about you but I don’t really like that.”

“I mean, isn’t it easier that way?”

“How is that even remotely easy?”

“You know… like… we don’t have to talk about things. And… we still get to see each other, but with no strings attached.” Jongho wasn’t used to talking about his feelings, and now, hearing the words that just escaped his lips, he realized that he wasn’t really good at it.

Yeosang kept quiet. Is this really the easiest way out of this?

“And I’m not using you. I’m not.”

“Then what do you mean by no strings attached?”

The two fell into silence. There it goes again. All the unsaid words. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Hey, you’re tired. Just go back to sleep, okay? I’ll be gone when you wake up.”

“Please don’t leave.”

“Yeosang, you were the one who left me, like, three times now.”

Yeosang clawed his blunt nails on Jongho’s shoulder blade, gathering to clench on his skin. “Don’t leave.”

“Okay. Okay, I won’t.”

“Can’t we just talk it out?”

“I’m scared I’m going to hurt you.”

“I don’t care. Hurt me. Tell me, why do you keep calling for me?”

Jongho bit his lower lip. “Because I miss you.”

Yeosang felt tears pool on his lids.

“See? I mean, you’ve already moved on, and this is the only thing that can bring you back to me. And here I am, hurting you again. What a pathetic excuse of a hookup I am.”

“No, Jongho,” Yeosang tried to speak without letting the tears fall, but he failed. “I miss you too.”

Jongho felt the hair behind his neck stand. He felt like he was in a fever dream, hearing the words he never thought he would ever hear from the older. He took Yeosang’s hand from his shoulder and kissed it softly, questions lingering in his thoughts. “Why would you miss me if you were the one who left?”

“I thought it was what we both wanted.”

“No…” Jongho started, his eyes on Yeosang dainty fingers resting on his own palms. “I never wanted you to go. But I didn’t want you to stay if you wanted to leave.”

“It's just… I thought the distance would be good,” Yeosang whispered in defense. “I didn’t want to, like… leave _you_."

Yeosang paused. Was it too late to ask what he wanted to ask from the first time they did this 'hookup' thing, if that's what they're calling it? He tried his luck anyway.

"Can’t we just be like before?”

“I don’t think I want that anymore,” Jongho whispered, looking up at Yeosang. Yeosang’s expression faltered. Of course. They had hurt each other too much at this point. There was no going back. 

“I see.”

“I think,” Jongho started, taking a deep breath. “I think we should be more than that.”

Yeosang’s eyelids fluttered wide, biting back the way his heartbeat quickened. “Yea?”

“Yea,” Jongho smiled. “I think this is a good start. We need to talk about things more. And like… maybe we can use labels, if you prefer that.”

“Yes,” Yeosang smiled back. “Yes please. I love you.”

Their eyes widened at the phrase; it’s never been spoken of, love, that is, between them. It slipped out of Yeosang naturally, as if it was the only way to express what he felt bubbling in his chest. Jongho pulled himself closer to rest his chin on Yeosang’s shoulder. He had never felt this way before; the way his heart expanded, the way blood rushed to his face in the most thrilling way. Yeosang loves him. Love. Love. What a beautiful word that is. He felt his brain fill with serotonin, then explosions. He pulled back to look into Yeosang's doll-like eyes, round as he looked back at the younger.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, if you enjoyed it please do leave a kudos and a comment, love you!


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